dead dad jokes & other lessons in grief

reading time approx. 5 mins

it’s 2021, (aka the worlds a mess) & my mum keeps spam calling me as i walk into work. i answer the call somewhat begrudgingly but her words blur into the background, like when a camera focuses on one thing & everything else goes fuzzy. i feel hot & numb. everything & nothing all at once

“i’m so sorry chick, it’s your dad, he was found dead”

i go back into my office, sit down next to my boss and say my dad just died & i don’t know what to do

she drove me home where i spent the next week or so glued to my bed crying

usually you’d be able to fly home & attend your parents funeral, but not during covid…

nz was still in a form of lockdown & it wasn’t considered “important enough” by the government to let me back in so i attended dads funeral via zoom

ill never forget the video calls with my family while they went through dads stuff. all i could do was watch from my phone, halfway across the world. on top of the grief, i have never felt more helpless, useless & frustrated in my life

i’ve experienced loss before, and heart break but nothing could have prepared me for the kind of pain you go through when you lose a parent

it feels like a piece of you dies with them

how do you begin to handle that amount of grief?

this analogy my friend shared helped me begin to understand — grief is like a ball bouncing inside a box, it keeps on bouncing into the walls but with time & healing the box grows bigger and the ball doesn’t hit the walls as often

and so, there’s moments where you forget it’s happened, moments where you think you spot them in a crowd & freeze on the spot and moments where you’re hit with an immense feeling of loss & emptiness when you remember you’ll never see them again

for me that was the biggest challenge to overcome… accepting that dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or meet my future kids, i can’t call him and tell him about something i know he’d love to hear or laugh with me about. he is gone

i realised that my happiest moments will always have a hint of heartbreak, i will always be a little bit worried i’ll forget the sound of his voice or the way he laughs, i continue to have nightmares where i’m told my mum or my siblings have passed away and sometimes when listening to someones story about them & their dad it feels like a knife to my chest

but of course i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t count my blessings that have come from this as well…

im a more resilient human being

im well equipped to help a friend dealing with grief

i have a better relationship with my mom & rest of my family

i saw who truly showed up for me

if i can plan a funeral from the otherside of the world.. i can just about do anything

i’m apart of the dead dad club…those who get it get it

& i get to make dead dad jokes that make people uncomfortable hahah

i’ve felt called to share a small piece of this big loss for a while but i kept overthinking it because i didn’t want people to think im sympathy seeking. i had someone once say ‘lets get out the tiny violins’ after sharing something about it before — which is such a craaazy thing to say to someone lol!!

really what i hope is that you give your dad or mom a lil squeeze, flick them a message, give them a call…whatever it may be to connect in anyway that feels achievable for you

i know it can be tough when you have strained relationships, arguments, disagreements or past hurts

but between you & me, nothing hurts more than losing them before you can make things right

danica, dad & i lol

thanks for taking the time to read this piece of my heart! lots of love, mik xx